So this is it. Today, I officially start my fiftieth year of being on this planet. At least I’ve got an extra day of being 49 – thanks Leap Year.
It’s a strange feeling, counting down to 50. I always thought that by this age I’d be grown up and sensible and have my life sorted out. Perhaps I’ll have achieved that by my hundredth. Until this year, I’d never even considered myself middle-aged – but then I started a new job and looked around at all the shiny-faced youths I was now working with. We had a training session the other day and they all carried laptops and I had a notebook and a cup of tea. I’ve turned into that old hack in the corner with a mouldy cardigan and a fag hanging out of his mouth – without the fag. And the mouldy cardy. And I’m not a man, but you know what I mean.
So in true reflective style, I’m looking back on what I’ve learnt in the last 49 years…
- Jimmy Osmond does not want to be my long-haired lover from Liverpool. They all lied.
- The Stone Roses’ I Am the Resurrection is the best song ever.
- Wearing oversized glasses does not make me look like Daphne from Neighbours. Think more Rose West from neighbours from hell.
- Perms are evil.
- There’s nothing wrong with calling my mam my mam. Or me ma, when I’m feeling extra-Geordie. That’s the way I speak and if you don’t like it, bugger off.
- The Queen doesn’t live in Alnwick Castle. She has no taste in homes.
- Grace Jones’s La Vie en Rose is the best song ever.
- Yellow eyeshadow is very much for the 80s.
- Friends are not always the people you think they will be.
- Gin might taste better but cats are just as good when you’ve been dumped and don’t leave you with a hangover.
- Bruno Mars’s Uptown Funk is the best song ever.
- Listening to your iTunes collection while writing lists is not helpful.
- Those shoes that are a bit too small? Never going to stretch. Never.
- Vegetables are nice. You just don’t boil them for half an hour (are you reading this, Mam?).
- Hair grows, thank God.
- That fifth-year crush on George Michael was a bit of a waste of time. The lifelong lusting of Dave Gahan, however…
- There’s nothing wrong with not passing your Maths O-level. Even after the fifth time.
- Meeting a supermodel makes you feel quite adequate.
- Libraries and book shops will always be magical places.
- Life is too short to wear uncomfortable knickers.
There’s probably lots of very sensible things but that would imply the growing up part of life that I haven’t quite mastered yet so that’s my list.
Now, what have you learnt?
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