The 10 joys of getting older

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After the doom and gloom of the past few days, I needed a cheer-me-up so counted the blessings of growing older…

  1. No more periods.

A friend of mine adores Auntie Flo coming each month. “I feel like a woman,” she says. I say she’s a bloody fool – as I may have told her once or twice or 59 million times. No more pain, no more hassle, no more mood swings (that one’s added at the insistence of Mr 50 Sense). I mean, obviously, I’ll be saying goodbye to white jeans, pouring blue water on me knickers and skydiving, but some sacrifices are worth it.

  1. Glasses

Hipsters sport specs without glass in them to try and look trendy. I have to have glass in them to read so instantly have an aura of credibility about me that they will never have. Plus you can look over the top of them cos they’re reading glasses, like a sexy Lois Lane.

  1. Big knickers

There’s a reason why thongs are popular in Brazil – it’s hot there. Try a Newcastle winter (yes, I am a Geordie; no, I can’t stand the cold) and you’ll love the fact that when you’re older, you can buy knickers that cover your nipples. Nothing better than a pair of tit-tuckers.

  1. You get to flirt with young men

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, dirty old woman, #everydaysexism blah blah blah. Don’t care.

  1. We’re fearless

We know what can go wrong, yet we still love, trust and hope.

  1. No trying to be trendy

A friend of mine admitted that when we were in school, she used to pretend she knew who the Stranglers were when I raved about them. When you’re older, you can get away with a blank stare and a: “Kungs vs Cookin? Is that like Ready, Steady, Cook?”

  1. You what?

You don’t take no shit – or, as I said to the bank woman the other day: “I’m sorry, but am I talking a foreign language or what?”, after explaining for the third time that we hadn’t been given the documents she kept saying we had. My 18-year-old cringed and died. My 49-year-old got the documents.

  1. Time passes

You know that all things pass and that nothing stays the same – and after this week, boy is that good to know.

  1. Friends reunited

When you’re older, you’re happier to let bygones be bygones – or lets face it, so much time has gone by you can no longer remember why you’re no longer friends. And so you re-meet old pals and discover just why being young was so much fun…

10 …and this time, not only is your mam not there to spoil it, you know just how to cure a hangover.

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